Leo does Pride aka Feeling Safe at Sex Shops

I arrived at Pride early, the ground still sopping wet from rain clouds recently emptied in the sky. Missed the morning the morning setup; our two-tent booth looked like my store away from store. It still maintained the same safe, welcoming, non-invasive atmosphere that we pride ourselves of. The couches were replaced by lawn chairs and the large storefront window was replaced by natural sunshine entering the booth from all angles. Finally, Pride weekend!

I set my stuff down and aproned up for my shift – hot lemon tea in hand. I took a look around at the other “R-rated” tents next to us, a mixture of sexy party throwers, toxic toys, erotic paintings, and leather. All of us sex industry folks on the same lane; as to assist parents that would like to bypass the section with their families.

Waiting for the early morning shoppers, still casually sipping lemon tea, this guy comes into the shop with a small promotional pack from one of our “R-rated” competitors. The small plastic package held some information about their services and a sample of multi-colored penis candies.

“Isn’t this just cute?” He asks me pointing to the candy.

“I think people seem to like it,” I reply.

He holds the bag up, “Do you want some?”

“No thanks, I don’t eat sugar.”

“What? You don’t eat cock?!” He (I’m assuming) jokes (because he laughs hard after).

I laugh nervously. Dammit, I laughed nervously? My style is certainly not like that anywhere/anytime else. I was so angry at myself for letting my guard down and thinking that just because it was the morning, just because this gay man is not interested in hitting on me, just because I’m casually sipping lemon tea, just because I am at Pride I am not guaranteed to be safe from verbal abuse and oppression.

The levels of frustration grew in me as he walked out the store, some of my power in his left hand, multi-colored penis candies in the right. For about two full minutes I felt uncomfortable and disorientated. What just happened here? What did this man just do to me? How in the hell did I just let him get away with that?!

I get it. I work at a sex shop. Penis and “cock” are words that I will come across 50 times per shift. However, “penis,” and sex are not laughing matters to me. I take them seriously. Of course I want people to have fun, but most of all I want people to be safe and feel comfortable. What that man did to me was make me thoroughly uncomfortable. What he said is highly offensive and inappropriate regardless of the venue. The store was, besides other staff, empty but his statement could have been damaging to someone had they been in the store (besides me or other staff). Also, this man doesn’t know anything about me. Hmm, maybe I don’t “eat cock,” you jerk. What kind of simple-minded assumptions are you making?

This is why sex-shops get a bad wrap; why people feel ashamed to go. It is people like that, making a business that needs to be safe and healthy, into a sleazy establishment open-season for vulgarity (besides the Smitten Kitten, of course). I wouldn’t want to go into a shop looking to learn and feel forced to leave because of embarrassment. This is extremely detrimental for the growth of healthy sexualities and sex lives in our communities. Sex shops should definitely be actively promoting a welcoming environment. At the fair I sold many toys to customers that were exploring, learning about themselves. Some are pumped and loud about purchasing a dildo for a harness while others want their items in our brown bags even before they make payment (either one we welcome very much). Whatever level they are at, they all need to feel safe at the same time.

The man who made the comment was obviously comfortable. Of course. This is his territory. Loring Park for three days is his Minneapolis Mecca. He is white, male, and gay. During Pride weekend this is the combination for not having to think about anyone else’s oppressions. I mean, come on, it is Pride. In Loring Park nobody is feeling oppressed, right? Finally a weekend for the gay community to come out together, finally we are all being represented instead of being thwarted.

No dice. This man could not see past his manhood to think about how the woman casually sipping lemon tea in a feminist sex shop would feel about his  words. Although his sexuality very well could affect his life outside of Pride weekend, he is still privileged enough (at least more than I) to be ridded of the responsibility to think before he speaks. He is still a white male with the power to overpower and hurt others. Good morning, patriarchy.

I recently went into one of our downtown competitor’s large-scale sex shop. Two young, drunk girls and their male companions stumble through the aisles; bragging about how far they could fit certain dildos x-amount into their bodies. This was quite obviously for the entertainment for their male friends (and other staff at the store). The girls loudly paraded around the store, trying on scant outfits and posing for pictures taken by the staff themselves, “Put your hands on each others hips, girls. Look sexy.” It is these girls that need to be getting information that strengthens their individuality and sexuality, not for the entertainment of men. Hurtful to the sex industry. Hurtful to all the individuals involved.

If we had more safe (as in welcoming, open-minded, responsible) sex shops progressively promoting education and health I’m am confident to say we would have less unplanned pregnancies, STIs, and sexual violence. Our communities and youth would be safer. Instead, we stifle communication, making sex taboo. Seemingly only leaving the freaks and nasties sneaking through the dirty corners of sex shops, when really this is untrue at all. Their are great sex shops challenging and changing mainstream attitudes about sex;  owning healthy promotion of communication and understanding with ourselves and our partners.

So I finished my lemon tea and decided that a good long walk for a coffee shop refill would center me – get me back on my game.  Back to normal, strong, smart, and absolutely hilarious.
The rest of Pride was a blast. I got to check in with friends I missed dearly, I got some good sun, was inspired by many dresses and had fun holding our tent down from the blasting Sunday winds. Overall, I got to check myself and learn some things about working in a sex shop.

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