Moms Like Me

I am a new mom who, like so many, is having a difficult time getting my sexy back with my new body, new responsibilities, and revised sense of self.  My hormones are dancing to a new tune, my boobs squirt out milk like a lawn sprinkler, and everything from my waist to my knees was born-again with my big-headed-son.  I realized that I needed some support and the camaraderie of other new parents.  Clare, The Smitten Kitten’s amazing Education Coordinator, kindly encouraged me to host a Sexy Mamas social group at The Smitten Kitten.  Our first meeting will be on Sunday, February 8th and in preparation and enthusiasm I posted it on a new message board in the Twin Cities called Moms Like Me.

I recently signed up for this message board and spent some thoughtful time creating my profile and then ventured out into the ether to e-meet other moms.  The Sexy Mama’s group was one of the first posts I made and I appropriately put it in the “Sex and Romance” section.   I suppose I should have expected this, but the first and only reply to my post was a note from another mother who said that she also works in the (sex toy) industry and  she commented about how even she would never bring her children into an adult store.  Meanwhile, I invited parents to bring children if they wanted because it is very important for new moms, especially those with nurslings or who are single parents who cannot rely on childcare, to be able to participate too.

For those of you who haven’t been to The Smitten Kitten (like this particular mom I found out later), it feels more like a friendly community center or a neighborhood coffee shop than what you would typically think of as an “adult” store.  To get a feel for the atmosphere, imagine an upscale boutique without any attitude plus complimentary tea and coffee.  Know too that we are not even considered an adult store legally.  Of course we sell “adult” materials, those print and video materials that you must be at least 18 years old to purchase, or even browse for that matter; however, those items comprise such a small percentage of our sales that you need not be 18 to enter.  For example, my favorite big box book store B&N sells adult magazines too, but likewise, you do not need to be a legal adult to enter the doors.  Similar to The Smitten Kitten, you simply must be 18 to buy that Hustler magazine or Blam Blam zine .

That’s the back story.  Because I want people to appreciate all of the hard work and grit it has taken to make Smitten Kitten what it is today and because all of us in the progressive, sex-positive movement hope that our work can be appreciated for its true value, I sent a private note in response essentially detailing everything I just said above.  I introduced our non-profit endeavor, the Coalition Against Toxic Toys, and personally invited her to the shop to judge us in-person.  Come to find out, the mom who posted to my event listing is an at-home-sex-toy-party sales representative for one of the most successful party companies.   She went on to tell me the following:

“Hi Jennifer!  Thanks for your note.  I can tell you what I know about badvibes.org, and I hope that I can do this from one businesswoman to another without it being taken as a negative. I’m very familiar with this organization.  I’ve heard about it from a few different people.  Unfortunately, it’s been used it as a negative against people like me and our businesses, claiming that we don’t know our products, and that we’re selling ‘dangerous’ items to people.  To me, this is not the way to present the message.  While it may be true that some consultants for some companies are not aware of the issue and/or may not be educated about it, this is most certainly not true of us…  However, I have to say that I take issue with anyone who presents the issue with such negativity against others.  In one specific instance, someone who was invited to a party of mine replied to the evite bashing my company for selling dangerous items, and mentioning badvibes.org, and that everyone should go to the Smitten Kitten for their sex toys.  I don’t know what her connection was to badvibes.org, but need I say, huge turnoff?  That was a major unprofessional move.”

My heart was absolutely broken.  The Smitten Kitten is among other things a feminist business and it is integral to our mission to support other women in business and in the industry.  We offer free consultations with folks who are trying to start progressive sex toy stores in their hometown and we teach workshops and network with at-home-party consultants who reach out to us for myriad reasons.  We teach Smart Consumer workshops at all of our local colleges and universities, women’s organizations and for the general public that help consumers learn how to be savvy shoppers at ANY adult store or home party scenario.  The Smitten Kitten does this outreach through The Coalition Against Toxic Toys.

The story she relayed to me, in the post I excerpted from above, is the furthest thing from our mission.  I wanted to cry reading it. What I find is most unfortunate about this situation, is that a rightly concerned pissed off sex toy user who had likely been jilted by the worst parts of this industry who knowingly sell toxic toys to make a profit, misplaced her rage at this individual consultant and not at the folks at the top of the toxic toy food chain.  Somehow this consultant got the impression that the sad interaction she had was in anyway affiliated with us.  Of course it was unprofessional- literally.  It was unprofessional because this person does not and never has been affiliated with The Smitten Kitten or CATT in any way.

So here’s the break down.  First, I need some new mom friends.  (e-mail me if you are one:  jennifer@smittenkittenonline.com) Second, The Smitten Kitten is family-friendly.  It’s your choice whether you want to bring your baby with you when you stop in- for any reason.  Third, The Smitten Kitten supports progressive, sex-positive women in business even if we are in the same business!

Fourth (this one gets its own paragraph), and make no mistake about this, I will hold you and your company responsible for knowingly selling toxic sex toys.  It’s time to stop.  The Smitten Kitten stuck our necks out and took a stand about this issue in 2003 when we first learned about the real dangers and we just had our best year of sales ever.  We haven’t been black-balled in the industry and while we’ve had to deal with at least one terroristic threat over it, we’re still here and every year there are more and more stores like ours who choose to sell the right things for the right reasons.  Every day there are more and more at-home-sex-toy-party sales people who are becoming educated and educating about safe toys at their parties.  And, every once in a while one of these sex-toy-party sales people challenges the company they represent and asks the real questions about why so much of their catalog is devoted to such total crap!

After further conversation with my new pen pal, I know that she is one of the people who are doing the right thing.  I am so encouraged by it and I hope she will take me up on my offer to partner with CATT and come into the store to judge for herself.  Maybe she’ll even come to my Sexy Mamas Sunday Mornings- with or without her kids!